Holy crap, did this decade suck. Oh, we’ve had some real turds for decades before – remember the 80s? what the fuck was going on there? – but living through the Aughts was like getting a fucking dump truck full or hot garbage poured on your head for ten straight years. It was awful while it was happening, and its toxic stench won’t leave us for another ten years, at least. So, for funsies, let’s tick off some of the highlights (?) of our shittiest decade, the 2000s.
• George Fucking Bush was our president for most of it. Do you remember this guy, Bush? He was a short, angry, borderline-retarded man who by some fucking confluence of idiocy won TWO TERMS as President of the United States. I’m trying to think of a metaphor for Junior Bush, but no other singular event or even series of events equate AT ALL to the collective shittiness that was the Bush tenure. But fuck it, whatever, I’ll try: Having Bush as our president was like owning a seriously dysfunctional toaster, or electric blanket. Not only did it not do what it was supposed to do – the BARE FUCKING MINIMUM of functionality – but it malfunctioned so badly that it destroyed everything around it, starting random fires, burning down your house, killing you and your family and your goddamn PETS in the process. That is, the level it functioned at was in such diametric opposition to its preferred state – was so completely backward and Bizarro World-level fucked – that it would have been far better off having not functioned at all. The corpse of George W Bush would have done far less damage while governing the country than what the living, breathing George W Bush actually did.
And it’s not just that he was a bad president and a legendary asshole. It’s that the American voter elected him to a SECOND FUCKING TERM, well after he had exposed himself as a bad president, asshole, etc. It’s like owning the toaster that started the fire that burned your house down and saying, “Well, sure, it burned the whole fucking house down the first time we used it, but, I mean, it’s still a good looking toaster. Maybe the next time we make toast with it, everything will be fine.” And without getting too much into the mindframe of the country at the time, let me just ask: Was there any other decade in American history when that would have happened, when a man so utterly incapable of running the country would have been elected twice to run said country? Hell no. The 2000s were fucked. Completely fucked.
• Everybody stole your fucking money. Hey, do you have any money at all right now? No, you don’t. Know why? Because a whole parade of assholes lined up seemingly every year during this shithole decade to seal every last dime you or I had. The decade began with Enron – remember that shit? What even happened there? No time for a rehash now, but dude, let me tell you, Ken Lay and his, um, business associates, they fucking STOLE shit. Then everyone else lined up to steal shit too – Qwest, Westar, on and on. Some people went to jail, and that was cool. But still. THIEVES.
That was bookended by you having your shit stolen in the final years of our shitty decade by, uh, let’s see here, YOUR FUCKING BANK. The place where you keep your goddamn money stole your goddamn money, by gambling it away, buying and selling literal balls of shit and calling it “finance.” Fuck me. Then, when those banks and their insurers lost all your money and went broke, they were propped up by your tax money, only so they could invent new ways to make more money by gambling with your money. The bottom line is: You have no money, and they STILL have lots of money. Happy New Year.
• A bunch of people died in wars. War fucking sucks. I have absolutely no ambition to get into the merits of the two awful, bloody wars we started/got involved in this decade. But suffice to say, the old punk rock mantra still rings true: No one wins in war. Especially not now, when the announced enemy is comprised of people who call every fucking corner of the world home and grow and shrink and morph and shift shapes faster than the people fighting them could even dream about keeping track of, let alone combating in any useful way. I mean, the moment some nutball rich kid straps a bomb to his or her chest and says “I’m Al Qaeda,” then suddenly they’re the fucking enemy, when five minutes earlier they were just some nutball rich kid in a sea of nutball rich kids. How do you keep up with that kind of instantanious enemy? How do you fight them? No one fucking knows. Yet we fight. We have to, I guess. But jesus, war just sucks. And our two shitty wars began during this shitty decade. We’ll be damn lucky if they end during the next one.
• Random acts of violence. The awful, violent shit that happened during this decade made the stuff we used to call “terrorism” seem like a fucking traffic accident. Jesus. Just stop killing people, you jerkoffs. Is it that hard?
• My professional sports teams stunk up the entire decade. Fuck all of you guys. No, not you Priest. You’re cool. But seriously, the rest of you losers – and I mean ALL OF YOU, every single fucking member of the Royals and Chiefs teams of the past 10 years – you assholes can all go bury yourselves in shit.
I’m sure I’m forgetting tons of sucky stuff that happened this decade, but whatever. I’m over it. It’s over now. But seriously, can we just forget it ever happened? Is that cool with everyone? Let’s just put it out of our minds and move on, if we can.
Oh, god, and the fucking trite bullshit that passed for music these past ten years. Don’t even get me started.
Well dudes, I’m outta here. I’ve actually had a really good time writing this blog over the past year, but it’s about time to call it good and move on. I’ll have another project launched in the next couple of weeks, but, for now, S&S must sail on. So, for the ten people who ever read this thing, thanks. You had absolutely no reason to read – what the hell did I even write about? – but you did anyway, and I appreciate it.